You Just Dont Know Until You Have a Child Quagmire

Family Guy (Television set Series)

Tea Peter (2012)

Glenn Quagmire : Hey you ever accidentally masturbate to immature pictures of your mom?

Peter Griffin : Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Peter Griffin : Carter? Oh hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a infinitesimal. This is what Brian was warning me about: that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves.

Carter Pewterschmidt : Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just ane of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots.

Peter Griffin : Yeah, he kinda is.

Stewie Griffin : Not to warning anyone but a guy took me into the cupboard to endeavour me on. I fit by the way.

Tea Political party Rally Speaker : Welcome, anybody! It's great to see and so many regular people out here. Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up up for their rights.

Tea Party Fellow member : Aye!

Tea Party Member : Down with the Spend-o-crats!

Peter Griffin : We are Marshall!

Joe Swanson : Boy, they're really against socialism.

Peter Griffin : That'south right. The Tea Party is all almost self-reliance. Look, there'southward even a Tunnel of Cocky-Love.

[as customers enter the ride, they're each given a copy of Playboy magazine]

Ride Attendant : [to a client coming out] Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir?

Male Customer : No, I would not.

Carter Pewterschmidt : All right, now, remember, the Tea Party is a grassroots movement. We're not covered past the lamestream media, so nosotros gotta reach out to the common man individually.

Peter Griffin : Right, common human.

[he dials a phone number]

Woman on Phone : [picking up] Hello?

Peter Griffin : Aw, jeez, it'south... it's a daughter.

[Carter shakes his head in disapproval]

Peter Griffin : May I speak to the human of the house?

Adult female on Phone : This is the woman of the business firm, and there is no man living here.

Peter Griffin : No? W-W-What is... I-I... how are you lot paying for this telephone?

Adult female on Phone : I'm a lawyer.

Peter Griffin : Oh, I see, and are you in your footling courthouse right now representing Barbie?

[she hangs upward]

Peter Griffin : Okay, one vote for the Tea Party.

Carter Pewterschmidt : All correct, kiss regime goodbye.

Peter Griffin : Yeah, I can't await to burn down all them city employees, starting with that half-asleep construction worker.

[cutting to him in traffic budgeted construction on the sidewalk; the worker holds up a stop sign while simultaneously waving him forward]

Peter Griffin : What the hell? W-W-Which one is it, stop or go forward? This is a big deal. They're not at all similar.

[the worker turns his sign around, which reads "tiresome"]

Peter Griffin : Ah, no, no, no, no. You, sir, take lost my business concern.

[he gets out of the motorcar and walks away]

Carter Pewterschmidt : Yous and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. Except that I make ten,000 times what you make.

Peter Griffin : Yeah, we're the same, you and me.

Carter Pewterschmidt : Y'all know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy similar yous to help become our bulletin out, and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me.

[putting on his hard lid with a fake wig]

Carter Pewterschmidt : Beloved to take you on board, Peter.

Peter Griffin : Wow, thank you, Joe. Yous tin can count on me.

[Carter takes the disguise off]

Peter Griffin : Aw, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman.

Carter Pewterschmidt : [amused express joy] Oh, I think he'll know I was here.

[he starts laughing diabolically, and Peter joins in nervously]

Peter Griffin : I'm not sure what'due south happening.

Brian Griffin : The Tea Party isn't the grassroots motility you recollect it is. It's actually funded by big-business types who are using y'all to get the authorities out of their fashion so they can roll over everyone.

Stewie Griffin : Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning time. Don't know what that means. Just reporting it.

Brian Griffin : All I'm saying is yous're being used and yous're too clueless to know it.

Peter Griffin : Boy, you just think you're so superior, don't yous? Like that outset animal to walk on dry land.

[cutaway]

Fish #1 : Hey, where'd you lot get?

Second Creature : Ah, I went for a jog.

Fish #ane : What'southward a jog?

2nd Brute : It'due south a peachy way to stay in shape is what it is.

Fish #3 : Is it like a swim?

Second Creature : [condescening express mirth] No, no, it's, information technology'south nothing like a swim.

Peter Griffin : Wow, a lot of people here today.

Glenn Quagmire : Yeah. Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethic food cooked horribly by white Americans.

Taco Lover #2 : [with a thick Bostonian accent] Tack-os! Hot tack-os here!

Taco Lover : Oh, are those tack-os?

Taco Lover #2 : Y'all ameliorate believe they're tack-os.

Taco Lover : I love tack-os! Peculiarly on a corn tor-till-uh.

Taco Lover #2 : Oh! I honey tack-os on a corn tor-till-uh!

Lois Griffin : Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally?

Peter Griffin : Oh, it was great, and now I know it's the right cause to get behind 'cause a smart guy like your dad is involved.

Brian Griffin : What? Carter was at the Tea Political party rally?

Peter Griffin : Yeah, he was running the whole thing.

Brian Griffin : Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys?

Peter Griffin : Expect, I know what you're thinking, Brian, just don't worry. It'southward all okay. Turns out you're the enemy. They're the ones who are on our side.

Brian Griffin : [sarcastic] Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an industrialist with oil refineries in this city, is on your side. He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you.

Stewie Griffin : Brian, he doesn't become sarcasm.

Peter Griffin : No, information technology'southward not just environmental regulations, Brian. Carter wants to become rid of the whole city government of Quahog. He even put me in accuse of the PR campaign to do it.

Lois Griffin : Get rid of the government? Peter, if I know my dad, he's probably using you.

Peter Griffin : Lois, I'm so glad you've done the dishes so that you can hang out and chime in on this.

Lois Griffin : Really, Peter, I oasis't done the dishes.

Peter Griffin : Oh, you haven't? Well, and so, I'm dislocated.

Stewie Griffin : Oh, he does go sarcasm.

Peter Griffin : Hullo, there. May I help yous folks?

Peter'due south Customer : Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted.

Peter Griffin : Well, y'all came to the correct place.

[he reveals an easel and painting supplies]

Peter Griffin : [a few minutes later] Looking skilful. Almost done. And... there. Done.

[showing them the finished painting, they run into the father and son sitting normally, with the married woman and girl in their underwear kissing]

Peter's Customer : What have y'all washed?

Peter Griffin : I painted the truth. I painted my truth.

Tea Party Rally Speaker : And now, information technology's my privilege to innovate some other regular, bluish-collar guy, our Quahog chapter spokesman, Joe Workingman!

Carter Pewterschmidt : [with an obviously bad disguise] Adept afternoon, friends and socioeconomic equals! Is anyone else out there ill of government crap?

Peter Griffin : [as the crowd thanks] Oh, my God. It's similar he's saying everything I'yard listening to.

Carter Pewterschmidt : That'southward right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat.

[boos]

Carter Pewterschmidt : And what church you lot can go to.

[more boos]

Carter Pewterschmidt : And that you tin't ain a chimpanzee because y'all're not responsible enough.

Peter Griffin : [more than boos] I would feed it!

Carter Pewterschmidt : Too, the government wants to tell you how many children y'all tin have.

John Herbert : [mortified] What? No!

Carter Pewterschmidt : And the government wants to tell y'all you tin't throw your old TVs into the river.

Conseula : Then how I supposed to find Tv set?

Carter Pewterschmidt : If yous join the Tea Party, together, we tin can fix all that. Only you probably don't wanna join the Tea Party because all you lot become are these stupid, awesome keychains!

Joe Swanson : [after a speech from "Joe Workingman"] I got to say, that guy made a lot of sense.

Glenn Quagmire : He sure did. The government'due south actually gotten out of mitt.

Peter Griffin : Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything. The same way the Village People ruined any gathering of a cop, an Indian chief, and a construction worker.

Peter Griffin : What do yous call up, mom, is that the nearly beautiful helpmate you lot've ever seen?

Helpmate : I love it!

Bride's Mother : Oh, it's just and then much money.

Peter Griffin : It's true. It's true. Accept the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it.

Bride's Mother : Westward-Expect, expect, wait a minute. Do you actually love it?

Bride : I exercise. It but feels like my wedding wearing apparel.

Peter Griffin : Oh, mom, she loves information technology.

Bride'due south Mother : Okay. We'll take it.

Lois Griffin : [coming downstairs] Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress?

Peter Griffin : [itch nether the wearing apparel's hem] She gone?

Bride : No.

Peter Griffin : Okay, well, while I'm downward here, let me give you my carte du jour. There you go.

Peter Griffin : Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on?

Joe Swanson : Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you lot down. You're running an unlicensed business, and that's confronting the police force.

Peter Griffin : Aw, that is such bullcrap.

Joe Swanson : Well, you can't fight City Hall.

Peter Griffin : Oh, we'll see most that!

[leaving and coming back beaten up]

Peter Griffin : City Hall knows karate.

Peter Griffin : Watch out at that place, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet.

Alan : [passing by] Excuse me. I'thou kind of in a bustle.

[slipping on the water puddle]

Alan : Ahhh! Son of a bowwow!

Peter Griffin : Oh, my God! Are y'all okay?

Alan : I'm sorry. I've been a flake distracted lately. I call up my wife has been crossing the street with another homo.

Alan's Wife : [outside, crossing the street with another generic-sign effigy] God, I hope Alan doesn't find out.

Lois Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

Peter Griffin : I'thousand just puttin' upward my new sign.

Lois Griffin : Don't put that affair on our door. If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement.

Peter Griffin : Oh, why? Then you lot tin can hog information technology while you're doing laundry? No way.

Lois Griffin : Peter, we're non a concern.

Peter's Customer : [coming in] Hey, I saw your sign. And then, you're open?

Peter Griffin : That's right.

Peter'south Customer : What exercise you lot do?

Peter Griffin : What do you need?

Peter'south Customer : Milk.

Peter Griffin : We take milk.

Peter Griffin : Adept Tea Party morning, everyone!

Brian Griffin : Peter, you joined the Tea Political party?

Peter Griffin : That'south right, Brian. I finally got something ameliorate to do with my Saturdays than sit down at the mall and watch Japanese girls express joy at normal conversation.

Peter Griffin : Hey, Mort, what's this matter?

Mort Goldman : Oh, that? That'due south my "Come in! We're open" sign.

Peter Griffin : What'due south that, like an iPad?

Mort Goldman : No, it's a sign.

Peter Griffin : Wish I had one of those.

Mort Goldman : I've got a whole box of 'em. Take information technology. It'south yours. No charge.

Peter Griffin : Ugh, typical Jew.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2040798/characters/nm0532235